Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

Welcome Back! I have taken a two year hiatus from this blog as I struggled with my transition from nanny-hood to mother-hood.  #thestruggleisreal! ;) There were moments I felt embarrassed, guilty, ready to close it up in failure. But something sparked my interest tonight: can I revive this baby? And what would I talk about? Believe me, I have a lot to say, but it's not all entirely "newsworthy."

So here we are...

Recently I have been working through my struggle to accept myself. As a nanny I felt confident, competent, and in control; as a mama I feel inadequate, immature, and insecure. This is not a recent problem I have, but lately I have been much more aware of my negative inner self talk. I know I'm not the only mom who battles with feeling judged and in competition with other moms (if you've never had this issue, please tell me your secret!). But I do not want my insecurities to define me! [and yes, my loyal readers, friends, family: I know you all love me, etc - this is about me needing to find that inner care for myself.]

At an Easter Egg Hunt early this year I was looking around at all the other moms who were so "put together" with their perfectly straightened hair, manicured nails, and beautiful leather riding boots. [insert rabbit trail: I don't even like the feeling of these riding boots, they don't fit my calves well, I don't find them comfortable, but for the love of God - I am so jealous of how they look on others and that everyone has a pair except for me. Oh wait, I have some, stuffed in the back of my closet because I hate wearing them.] Anyhow, I was caught comparing myself instead of enjoying this beautiful moment with Genevieve as she stared out over a field of colored eggs, which she was happier to look at than to pick, but we managed to snag a couple before they were all gone. Finally I snapped out of it and said to myself, "You are 30 years old, time to start loving yourself!"

I've had to repeat that phrase to myself many many many times since that egg hunt. But I am making it my goal to change my dialogues. Some of the words that I am focusing on right now are "Enlightenment" "Growth" "Curiosity" "Liberation" & "Beauty."  I'm envisioning this blog to be a place where I can share my journey of accepting myself as a mom, wife, friend, and cat owner. (Yes, there will be cat posts as I even have a emotionally complicated relationship with my feline).

Welcome to my inner ramblings. Don't all run for the proverbial door all at once!