Has anyone else noticed that there are some whackadoodle parents and nannies out there? Don't take this personally unless you are one of "those" people. C'mon you all know the ones I'm talking about. Those crazy people who let their kids do things you would never dream of allowing your child to do! How dare they? Don't they know they are setting a bad example?!
I'm sure we've all been on either side of this equation. And lately I've been hearing a lot of, "But why can't I, Nanny Fawn? Those kids are doing it!" So then I'm posed with a dilemma. Do I let Lil' Rap jump off the cliff just because all the other kids are doing it? If I'm not going to allow it, what's my reason? He doesn't really let me off the hook when I say, "Because I said so."
It's likely that now as we enter the pre-school to kindergarten state and Lil' Rap has more adult rule setters in his life, he is going to be getting mixed messages. He may be allowed to do something at home (such as growling like a maniac dinosaur) that he's not allowed to do at school (he frightened the teacher with his roar). So how do we teach our kids the difference and explain to their curious minds the reasoning behind our rule/boundary setting madness???
When I'm in these situations I start with:
"Is this a safety risk?" The other day we were waiting in a line for the Nature Museum and there were some boys 7-10 years old climbing and running down a steep hill filled with tall grass weeds (the kind that cut you). Now for boys 7-10 who are more in control of their bodies and understand that there is a bit of danger involved with maneuvering around tall weeds that cut, this activity is somewhat harmless. But for my 3.5 year old who will likely lay down on his belly and attempt to be a live bowling ball knocking down the weeds like pins, probably not so much.
So then I move into my next phase:
"Prepare for battle!" Most likely a child isn't going to simply take your "NO" for a "NO." In their minds (I don't know why, consult a psychologist) they hear, "Negotiate." "But those kids are doing it!" "I'll stay right in this area!" "I will be very careful!" "I promise, Nanny Fawn!" It's heart wrenching, annoying, and meant to break down your defenses. Stay strong! I promise in the end it's so much easier to put up a fight now than to deal with the negative ramifications of giving into their desires when you know it isn't safe or good for them. Believe me, would you rather spend your day cleaning the bloody scrapes off their face? Uh no. And if you think this is a "good life lesson," let me tell you, these "lessons" don't stick. Your child's memory, no matter how intelligent they are, will not remember, they will inevitably try to do it all again in a month or so.
After you've won the battle, the teaching isn't over:
"Our rules are different than their rules." It is so important that we go back to our children and explain ourselves and our reasoning, hoping that someday they will comprehend and some day they will be able to make safe and reasonable decisions. Why should you expect this? Because you taught them how to process! In the above scenario, I got down on Lil' Rap's level and I explained it all to him. "Dude, they have different rules than we do. Some kids will get to do things that you aren't allowed to do because it might not be safe for you or because I want you to learn how to do different fun things. That hill is way too high for you and those other boys are much older. Someday, when you get to be that old, we can find a hill for you to run down."
Most of the time this ends our discussion. Occasionally I have to repeat myself over and over and over again. But the important thing is, you engaged with your child, you gave them concrete reasons and taught them how to think through something. I believe that eventually, the more you do this, the more you train your child to your "way of doing things" the easier this whole process becomes. It took me two minutes tops to go through this scenario with Lil' Rap, he knows me, he knows how far he can push, and I hope he appreciates that I saved him from looking like Scar from the Lion King for the rest of his life.
Feel free to message or comment with any questions or support you might need!
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